Ian & the Scientologist

I had no idea when I’d be updating this again, as I’d taken on all the personal feedback I tend to get from people, the most recent being cousin Eve saying “you don’t half go on a bit!”, and accepted that that’s a pretty apt description of last year’s entries. However, I said I’d come back to this ‘ere blog when it took my fancy, and whilst I was in Birmingham this weekend, my fancy was well and truly taken, in a non-euphemistic sense.

The title gives away the subject. Whilst I was walking along New Street, up to Birmingham City Museum & Art Gallery – worth a look-in if you’re ever just milling about Brum with no intention to do any shopping – a fifty-something woman in front of me swerved into my path and asked for some moments of my time. I guessed that this was a religious person of some kind, as I had passed a Christian Mission preaching session 100 yards beforehand, but I had no idea that I had run into an actual Scientologist. Our conversation went roughly like this:

WOMAN: Excuse me, can I take up a few minutes of your time?
IAN: Er, yeah, I guess so.
WOMAN: Have you ever thought about your future?
IAN: Well yes, I’m going to a Masters course in museums in Newcastle?
WOMAN: (jovially) Oh really?!? What’s the name of your course?
IAN: It’s called-, well, it’s an MA in Heritage and Museum Studies.
WOMAN: Oh, so you’ve already done a degree.
IAN: Yes, I have a BA in History from Lancaster.
WOMAN: Excellent! So is there anything you’re looking for?”
IAN: Well, yes – that MA.
WOMAN: Alright, but is there anything you think is holding you back from that?
IAN: Not really, I have the place confirmed already and I’m currently working towards being able to fully afford the course, as well as coming to places like Birmingham to visit museums for background research.
WOMAN: Oh, where are you from?
IAN: Well, I’m *from* Leicester, but I live in Derby.
WOMAN: Ok, but is there anything you think is holding you back personally?
IAN: Erm.......I’m not sure what you mean.
WOMAN: Well, things like a lack of confidence or motivation....
IAN: Oh right. Well, er, I’m not lacking in motivation because I know what I want to do and I’m actively working towards that, so that’s alright. And confidence...has never really been a problem in most respects – it’s certainly better now than it used to be.
WOMAN: Alright, is there anything you don’t like about yourself?
IAN: ....well, I’m slightly overweight, but I joined a gym this last week, which should help me cut down on my drinking and get me fitter. That’s the hope!
WOMAN: Do you drink too much?
IAN: My mum would always say I drink too much! I do drink, but not half as much as I used to at university. And it’s not out of depression or anything – I’m just a creature of habit at this point, I'm afraid!!
WOMAN: I see. So what do you want in life?
IAN: Erm......a good quality of life.
WOMAN: And how do you want achieve that?
IAN: Err...............
WOMAN: Have you thought about doing a free personality test?
IAN: Sorry? Ohhhh, you’re a scientologist!!
WOMAN: Yes, that’s right!!
IAN: I didn’t know there was a church in Birmingham!
WOMAN: Well, we can go there now – it’ll only take 5 minutes.
IAN: Oh no, I don’t really have time, although I do remember passing a similar place in Manchester last year. You call them churches, yes?
WOMAN: Well yes, but we aren’t really a religion as such
IAN: You aren’t a religion?
WOMAN: No, we’re more of a centre of learning.
IAN: But surely your buildings are called churches, which implies a degree of faith, doesn’t it?
WOMAN: Well if you look at history, and you’d know this from your studies as a historian, that the word “church”, before Christians got involved with it, meant a place of learning. So you don’t need to have faith to be a member. You know, you could have a church devoted to plumbing if you wanted to.
IAN: That would be quite a church!
WOMAN: Wouldn’t it?!?! Just finding out how they do it?!
IAN: Yeah, I’ve often wondered.
WOMAN: So we can go there now...
IAN: Sorry, I’m just not that interested really.
WOMAN: You sounded interested.
IAN: Well, it is interesting from an outside perspective, but like plumbing, I’m not all that keen really.
WOMAN: No?
IAN: Nah, I need to be getting to the City Museum.
WOMAN: Oh, well, thank you for listening.
IAN: Not a problem. Bye.

Now, whilst I think Scientology is a cult, I can’t bring myself to be rude to people who have faith, even if it’s in something which doesn’t really involve faith at all. In fact, if she could have argued the church point better, I might have been tempted to go and see this place, if only to justify my suspicions. But I had museums to go to and didn’t want to risk offending the woman.

So that was my brush with a Scientologist, and it felt good to see that my answers reflected that Scientology has nothing to offer me. If anything, I’m tempted to set up my own religion, Ianology, espousing the virtues of long term goals and applying for tax exempt status!! All I need now is some flowing robes...